Feeling Resentment? Where Does It Come From?

Where does resentment come from?

I was on a call last week with a good friend in the industry, and we got to talking about leadership, a growth mindset, and approaching relationships with personal responsibility. The gist of the conversation landed on where feelings of resentment come from, and that’s what I want to share with you today.

So where does resentment come from?

Resenting an employee who shows up late to work?

Resenting a client that keeps on trying to negotiate with you?

Resenting a boss that you feel isn’t giving you the training you need to succeed?

Reflect on a scenario where you last felt resentment.

Where does it come from?

Usually, it comes from a place of you believing they should have known to do better than they did.

And there was a lack of respect for their actions.

Carelessness. At least that’s what you perceive.

Resentment starts building on the repeated offenses of this thing, whatever it may be in your scenario.

Do others know?

Here’s the tricky part…

Often the offender isn’t aware of the feelings of resentment beginning to build up in you.

And here’s why I believe resentment is the product of lazy thinking.

Let me clarify.

Allowing myself to get to the point where I begin feeling resentment is laziness on my part.

I should be taking action before I begin resenting the person.

Resentment doesn’t fix anything.

Honest open communication does.

Do I have an employee showing up late for work?

Before resentment, do this

Before I begin resenting them, I should grab the bull by the horns and step aside in a calm but firm conversation with them.

First, make sure that they understand that showing up late isn’t going to work for me. It’s not fair to the company, it’s not fair to co-workers, and it shows a lack of commitment to their job. Continuation of showing up to work late means you can’t work here anymore.

Clear communication.

Resentment is gone, because the ball is now in their court.

Do they continue showing up late?

You’ve called your shot. Now they get to choose. They now know the consequences of the choice they’re making. If they keep showing up late, they can’t work here anymore.

The same goes for a client obnoxiously trying to negotiate you down.

Calmly and firmly communicate your position.

Acknowledge their desire (lower price) and affirm that you can help them achieve that, and here’s how [insert solution]. It might mean the scope of work would need to change to the point where the client is no longer interested, but you’ve called your shot. Now they get to choose. Yes or no?

A boss showing their frustration to you but you have no idea why they’re upset?

Don’t resent it. Give voice. Speak up. Affirm that the last thing you want to do is frustrate them. In fact, you want to impress them. Show and/or teach me where you see me going wrong, doing it incorrectly, and how I can do it better next time. Show me what I can practice and improve my skills on.

I believe resentment comes from us not saying what we want to say. We lack the courage to give voice to our position, values, or feelings.

When those positions, values, or feelings get trampled on repeatedly, we feel resentment.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to name our position and call our shot so that the other party can decide how they will respond.

So… what difficult situation have you not been giving voice to and allowing resentment to fester and build up?

How do you deal with it?

What has worked for you?

Hit me up in the comments or reply to this email, I’d love to learn from you!

Weston Zimmerman

SynkedUP co-founder and CEO